I have been bloggerville out of touch for some time now, just taking in a quick snap of mini moments to say a hurried "hi" to a few. There are things I am intent on doing and my focus is revving up, gearing up and pumping up ( no gas needed thankfully) towards the realization of those goals. No qualms here, I am going to admit that I have me...me..me....my future in mind....me when I'm 45..me when I'm 50..me when I'm 60...me when I'm 70 plus 3.
I'm building me today.
There are moments when I think, why bother?
Why bother at all when I am slowly getting to be "old" anyway?
Why bother to study, why bother to go back to school, why bother to pursue a path back to teaching, why bother to dream of having a higher degree, why bother planning for masters and doctorates. Why bother with my business?
Why bother to dream of having my own school when I don't even have a third of the gazillions of money it would take to build one. Besides, won' t I just fashionably die one day anyway? Predictable outcome.
Then there are the "what ifs"
What if everything is just a hallucination?
What if everything is just a waste of time?
What if nothing turns out right?
What if I fail my tests?
What if nobody likes me?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if..what if..what if....
Nevertheless... my heart beats for nothing less...
I'm building me today.
There are moments when I think, why bother?
Why bother at all when I am slowly getting to be "old" anyway?
Why bother to study, why bother to go back to school, why bother to pursue a path back to teaching, why bother to dream of having a higher degree, why bother planning for masters and doctorates. Why bother with my business?
Why bother to dream of having my own school when I don't even have a third of the gazillions of money it would take to build one. Besides, won' t I just fashionably die one day anyway? Predictable outcome.
Then there are the "what ifs"
What if everything is just a hallucination?
What if everything is just a waste of time?
What if nothing turns out right?
What if I fail my tests?
What if nobody likes me?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if..what if..what if....
Nevertheless... my heart beats for nothing less...
6 comments:
it's never too late to dream ..
it's never to late to fulfill those dreams..
granted, if i start dreaming about hiking up kilimanjaro at 95 or so .. it may be too late to fulfill that particular dream, but then i could live vicariously through others.
over 30 years ago a german aunt of mine had a dream. she was in her late mid to late 30s at the time. but the studying to achieve that degree would have taken 4 years. she felt she had no time. she felt that it took too long. well, now she could have been working for decades in her dream job. oh well, instead she stayed an administrative assistant until she retired.
if i decide to reach for something else at 70 .. i'm a gonna do it.
Beautiful, thoughtful, life-affirming post! We only exist in this moment; let's live this moment with joy, wonder and possibility. No limits, no judgements. You are beauty and light.
Luxie, I've missed visiting your blog while I've been traveling! I think it's wonderful you are reaching for the stars. I have no doubt you can lasso them all!
what if... miracles also on their way to find you, and your dreams?
I get those 'what's the point?' moments, probably with more reason than you, but as my husband always says, it's better to die with your in-tray full!
I always enjoy your zest for life.
Whoa! Didn't expect an existentialist post.
Perhaps the reason why we do things is to get some fun, or enjoyment out of life. Taking on a challenge often has a fun side. The fact that we will all age is inconsequential. It's simply a defining point in our own minds.
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